Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
