Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
