I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
