my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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