The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My breasts were aching with rage.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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