Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
