Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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