he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
sarcasm needs its own font
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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