So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
