you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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