My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
