Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
