He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
