Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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