I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
