He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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