weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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