youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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