Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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