aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
