i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
