dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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