His hands were made for my vagina.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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