i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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