What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
