can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
