I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
