There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
