You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
