you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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