theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
