dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
