i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
