We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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