I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
