I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize