i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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