I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
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