Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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