i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
