I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
