I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
