Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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