i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
