I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
