Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sobbing to NWA
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize