I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
