Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
