I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
