finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
