why didn't you poke me back
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
