bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize