sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
