there was a trapeze. enough said
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
