that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
