mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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