I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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