I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
